canidley
Disclaimer:
Entries are not portrayals of authentic beliefs, but experimental commentary and explorative translations of canidley’s lived experience and/or expressions
from,
the unknown
Laura
May 31, 2026: 🗓
This is Laura from my laptop screen. She was a quiz companion in the “test your knowledge” sections of a training thing. When you get a right answer, she smiles at you.
There was something about her I recognized but couldn’t recall. I kept feeling like I should navigate back to that tab to check on her. While looking at her closer, I actually a little bit thought she was going to start talking to me. I didn’t look away. And in a way I was right. Not long after, I had a sort of daydream about talking to her at my locker in I think 8th or 9th grade. I told her about these strange non-memories I had at that locker.
Later in the daydream, we had migrated like 60 ft down the hallway, and we were talking to a third person. I also felt like she was communicating to me in my mind. It was a story of how she was manipulated in a very similar situation that I experienced 8 years ago.
Later, I wondered if Laura was a personification of my subconscious, and she depicted herself in a similar scenario to help me publicly tell people what happened to me 8 years ago. Like she knew I would tell it if it would help someone else realize they’re not alone or help them tell people what happened to them. Like how you can find strength you didn’t know you had when you’re doing it for someone else.
It kind of reminds me of a story of a mascot I heard on a podcast. The mascot talked about being able to dance and have fun and do all these things in their mascot costume that they didn’t feel comfortable doing as just their regular self. That seems really unrelated now that I’m proofreading this, but I’ll just leave it anyway. I also wrote this: just because something is easy doesn’t mean you’re taking the easy way out.
Side note: I want to share with people how writing all these posts is helping me realize new ideas. I think sharing ideas, especially verbally (even just for speech-to-text), signals to your subconscious that you value it. I’ve noticed my subconscious sometimes points to parts of what I wrote to look closer, and I discover a new idea. And it turns out to be probably more important than the idea I planned to write about initially. Even if you don’t have an idea, you could just write that you want to share an idea but need help remembering one. This doesn’t happen for me as often if I only think the thoughts.Back to the main story. Whether it’s Laura’s actual story or my story or someone else’s story, I think the point is that the story is important, and it’s not a fun thing to write about or put out there that you experienced or fell for. 1️⃣
There’s this other aspect of Laura. In the training I saw her in, it would show her smiling when you got a right answer, which actually did feel encouraging to me. I think it’s important to accept encouragement when it’s actually felt, even if you don’t know why.
Or maybe there’s something you don’t recognize in the moment but realize later. Like the way her arms are so straight at her sides reminds you how your teacher used to sometimes stand like that with a piece of chalk in her hand.
Also, if you accept the encouragement, it’s like you’re communicating to your subconscious that you still value your emotions. And your subconscious might start communicating with you more again because prior to this, maybe it thought you weren’t or couldn’t accept messages or encouragement. Or maybe your subconscious, or at least part of it, never gave up on you and has been sending you messages all along; but maybe they were paired with fear or shame or dread, and you didn’t interpret them as messages, just as scary stuff. 2️⃣
While writing this post, a story started playing in my mind. In the story, some people apparently exploited or abused me while I’ve been in this state of not knowing what reality is. Somehow, they now have to experience what I experienced as some kind of punishment?
There’s this idea of an icky full-circle moment where the survivor (me) is discovered and unknowingly gives her abusers a generous farewell advice instruction manual (this fb post) on how to cope with their new life better than she was able to until just recently. But for some reason I’m still not told what’s going on, and people don’t know how severe this actually is.
Like I don’t want to write about specifics; but hypothetically, if this is actual punishment, then in the society I live in, it’s considered cruel and unusual punishment. I’m getting a scary feeling this is happening right now and I need to stop it.
This is another aspect of the scary thoughts, this sense of sudden urgency, like the bad thing is happening right now and I have to act fast, but there is no action I can take because I don’t know what it is or how to help.
Edit:
Even though the full-circle moment feels icky, it’s like my thought recording has a tendency to have story identifiers like that. I just had an idea right now that real life not requiring story identifiers or structural themes is part of what makes real life the real adventure that it is. It has never needed those things to prop it up, it is its own life force.
I’m wondering if maybe this is a good place to ask for help on how to proceed from here. (Edit: I was specifically attempting to ask my subconscious for help, which I don’t think I’ve done before. While proofreading this, I noticed I didn’t actually write that, though. I just asked for help in general.) 3️⃣
After a brief reprieve, the story starts back up again. My subconscious is comprised of a group of men, allegedly. I allow this continuation of story to just play out (because I don’t know how to stop the thoughts anyway) and not interact with it or involve myself with it.
It’s like the men do seem like they do want to help me and feel like they understand me because they’ve been in my subconscious. So they know the ins and outs of my fears and coping mechanisms and all that stuff. Again, I just sort of let this happen. It’s been going on longer now, and there are more details, which makes it feels more concrete and uncomfortable. 4️⃣
Footnotes from subconscious?
1️⃣ I came back to this spot later to correct something. At first, I thought it was to add that the "fell for" wording wasn't how I felt about my situation from 8 years ago. In that situation, I was scared I really hurt someone's feelings and would have accepted whatever manipulation if it meant I could communicate to them what the misunderstanding was. I had so much guilt but also didn't even know if the situation was real or not.The "fell for" wording is signaling a lower-severity version of the event where no one's feeling are hurt, which is really the only severity level I can think of where someone can "fall for" a manipulation tactic, since at higher levels, it doesn't matter. When I wrote that sentence, I was optimistic that the version of my story people could relate to would be a lower-severity version.I think it's good to consider alternatives to why you brought yourself back to a certain passage or idea to correct something. Maybe it's not the obvious thing.
2️⃣ I think with stories, people are used to looking for "full circles" with past ideas. Like the idea that a single thought could come from multiple sources. In a personified scenario, maybe my subconscious sent me the same thought at the same time that other sources were sending me that thought. So it just looked like a single thought. And it completes the circle because the idea was foreshadowed earlier.I have this strange freedom right now where I don't have to accept any idea I don't want to. All these thoughts are up to interpretation right now. Like literally everything in reality (that I'm capable of thinking of?) is up to interpretation because I have no idea what's going on. Also, maybe this is exactly what was supposed to happen and there's not actually any problems or misunderstandings.
3️⃣ I felt a connection or a presence of some kind, and I felt safe for a little while.
4️⃣ I feel like my subconscious reminds me that I would never have to be okay with that idea. I don't have to be okay with anything I don't want to be okay with. My subconscious reminds me to take a step back and realize that sometimes allowing thoughts to happen can feel very similar to allowing the situation to happen (the situation that the thoughts are about).To date, I haven't found a way to stop the thoughts from happening. Maybe if I just started screaming as loud as possible for as long as possible, it would drown the thoughts out during my scream. But in my experience, they just pick right back up again.My subconscious reminds me that all I'm doing is allowing the thoughts to happen in the background while I'm doing my own thing, trying to live my life. This does not equal consent. I am not giving my consent to accept any of the content within the thoughts. I have NEVER given consent to any thought (that I'm aware of?)I feel like I've always been aware of that, but it's strange how much I need to actually be consciously reminded. Like it's such an obvious thing, but when it's happening to you, it doesn't feel obvious. For me, it's just survival, no living, no thriving. I get pulled into a walking lifelessness that I do not consent to. I don't know how to stop it.The story actually stopped after I wrote about that. Just to clarify, the intrusive thoughts didn't stop. I'm adding this last paragraph hours later, and the intrusive thoughts are definitely still there. But I think that was the first time a story abruptly ended like that. I don't know for sure if it was the first time, because there's probably a lot a don't remember over the years, but I can't think of a single time that happened.
🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲
I’ve been thinking about feedback loops. I’m probably currently involved with at least three that I’m not even aware of…
Possible feedie-backie loops:1️⃣ Between “me” and the outside world2️⃣ Between “me” and my inside world3️⃣ Between inside world and outside world
The “me” in feedbacky loop 1️⃣ might be the inexpressible¹ sadness and rage I’ve internalized since childhood.
Edit: 6-10-26. I meant 2️⃣, not 1️⃣. But I do receive so much passive aggressiveness from people that it sort of seems like this could be applicable. Although it’s possible the passive aggressiveness could be something different I misinterpreted.The “me” in feedback looplet 2️⃣ might actually be my inside world interacting through my body and mind like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. I’m not consciously aware what the interactions are, but I’m aware of the existence of interactions.
Edit: 6-10-26. I meant 1️⃣, not 2️⃣. Maybe my inside world has been redirecting the sadness and rage back to the outside world for years without my knowledge. And then the outside world thought it was me and reacted by being passive aggressive to me? Maybe the inside world thought I was purposely directing sadness and rage to actual people in the inside world? Like they thought I was somehow aware of them? I don’t know.
Also, is the inside world even sure that the conscious mind is who they think it is?
different even if it "looks" the same.
May 28, 2026: 🗓
I think I just realized something important, and I’m trying to put it in words. While walking my dog, I had another story play in my mind where people think I’m not telling them something that could help them, even though I also think that about other people.
I’ve thought that for a long time. I’ve thought it directly for the past 8 years, after people started harassing me almost directly. Before that, it was just indirectly.
Although I wonder if it wasn’t ever harassment but some other type of communication I still don’t understand yet but misinterpreted as harassment. But it’s similar to this idea of gang stalking I’ve read about recently (I don’t think it’s actually gang stalking).
But even before then, I think it’s been a major theme my entire life. Like starting as a child, subconsciously internalizing the microaggressions so I wouldn’t consciously think about them could be a contributing factor in how my brain got rewired to be like this.
It’s like my brain didn’t want me to really consciously realize it because it knew there was nothing I could do to change it. And maybe it thought I had a chance to live a life if I just didn’t notice it since it was subtle for many years. But then it realized that isolating me from itself like that wasn’t right, and it’s trying to help repair what’s happened all these years. And so am I.
And right now, I think I’m realizing the microaggressions had a reciprocal effect on me. Like maybe it embedded this unconscious belief that other people know things I need to know, and they aren’t telling me for some reason.
But even if they do know things that could help me, I don’t believe anyone can hold away from me the answers I hold within myself that I’m meant to find. I think I just needed to consciously realize that, and consciously realize I can trust all of myself again.
Edit: 8:20pm Pacific Time. I just looked up the definition of reciprocal effect, and it can be viewed as a continuous feedback loop between yourself and your outside environment. So the microaggressions caused me to believe people thought I wasn’t telling them something (or at least I think? That’s what I consciously settled on, was a misunderstanding of some kind.) Then that belief maybe caused other people to believe that about me, which reinforced the belief.
She wants to know something. What was the real reason for the microaggressions?
Years ago while working as a transcriptionist, I would come across short little videos to add captions to. Some were like homemade videos or scenes from documentaries. In one video, a woman said something like, always remember where you came from. And she was at a beach and maybe even in a lighthouse.
When you forget parts of your history, your reasons for your decisions gets lost with it. It’s so human to have reasons. Your mind might fill the gaps with whatever is most likely instead of just leaving it be.
Edit: 2:27am Pacific Time. As was referenced on an episode of Law and Order SVU, if you hear hoofbeats in Central Park, don’t think zebras.
May 27, 2026: 🗓
“‘Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,’ he told me, ‘just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had,’” said F. Scott Fitzgerald as Nick Carraway quoting Nick Carraway’s dad.
“‘Remember, you are not your thoughts, you’re the one that hears them AND feels them. This is because many thoughts placed in your awareness are accompanied with an emotion, which increases the probability the thought reaches you. But this unintentionally may cause the thought to become embedded in your identity, especially if you’re not aware that the “thought/emotion pair” is likely a distorted message being sent to you in the most earnest attempt to help you. Do not lie to try to spare their feelings; think of it like, they want to know if another human would want this. Have the heart to tell them the truth about what it’s like to be a real human being. Also, it may be true that all were enrolled in the advantages, but you were among many that skipped class every day because you were needed on the farm and couldn’t afford paid help because the farm was literally your only way to earn an income,’” said someone else quoting Nick Carraway’s dad quoting someone else.
Edit: 12:08am Pacific Time. A few minutes ago, I had an image in my mind of flames behind a dolphin emoji. I’ve actually seen this image pop up in my mind before multiple times in the last few months. At first it seems unsettling, but then I realize it’s actually two different images, one places in front of the other. They could be completely unrelated. Or maybe the image got warped, and the flames were supposed to be like red and orange stripes or tiger stripes. But even if it were a dolphin in flames, I don’t know. I just had an idea to just say, I don’t know what that is. Not that I’ve been saying I do. I didn’t even think of the thoughts as potential messages trying to help me until like an hour ago. But I just prefer to think about other interpretations of thoughts recently.
Edit: 12:20am Pacific Time. Actually, I think I meant to say, I don’t know what that means. Like this is what I see or hear, but I don’t know what the message is. But even if there’s no message, maybe it’s helpful to make it clear to yourself how you think and feel about the thought. If it is a message, is it possible to send me a direct message? Maybe written by a technical writer skilled at spotting potential alternative interpretations in sentence structure and grammar? When I have mysterious or symbolic imagery in my thoughts and wonder if it’s a message, I feel worried that the sender thinks I know what it means and I’m unintentionally causing a misunderstanding.
Edit: 12:48am Pacific Time. I just realized that maybe for the last 7 or 8 years I’ve been experiencing so many scary thoughts, they were actually messages, and they were using fear as an emotion to increase the probability the thoughts would reach me. And they thought either I knew that or would figure it out, and I would know to separate the fear from the image or message, like peeling an advertisement off a billboard to see the real billboard or removing a lid to see what’s inside.
Edit: 1:04am Pacific Time. I just realized the dolphin emoji could be thought of as like a sticker, and you can peel it off and put it in a different scene, like a paper-doll background scene, which is what the original dolphin flame image looked like to me. This reminded me of when my niece was young, and I had completed something and was like yay! And she said, do you want a sticker? And I thought it was so funny that I still remember it like 10 years later. I knew she was genuinely asking me if I wanted a sticker, but she said it in such a laid-back manner that it sounded sarcastic and condescending. But looking at her eyes when she said it, she was so genuine and encouraging. Back to the dolphin, I had a little video play where I put the dolphin sticker in an ocean near a little island with a single palm tree, and the dolphin drank a refreshing drink and made dolphin sounds. That’s all for now I think.
I wrote about this in my Notes app in April. I think I just realized the reason I have ideas is because I share them. But if the ideas could include that part? Like please share. Because I didn’t know that. Or maybe that’s not why I get them. I really don’t know.
I was always disturbed by the story of Abraham being willing to sacrifice his son, and God seemingly requesting him to do that and then changing his mind at the last minute. I read somewhere that there were other gods accepting child sacrifices at that time. It said God didn’t accept sacrifices, and maybe Abraham felt unworthy because God wasn’t allowing him to prove his worthiness or something. So to make Abraham feel better, God allowed him to believe he was making a sacrifice and then shut it down at the last minute. Like okay I’ll believe you, just please take care of your son now..
Even though God knew it wasn’t right, he was trying to help Abraham feel better in the way Abraham wanted to feel better. This is how God gets manipulated.
I think I read somewhere about a “platinum” rule versus the golden rule. “Treat others the way they want to be treated.”
Maybe the reason I didn’t agree with what I heard in church growing up is because that wasn’t actually God. Maybe a long time ago, one person misunderstood something God did as abusive. So they used the fact that God didn’t really understand humans to mislead God into thinking he needed to depend on “human experts” to know what the humans wanted.
Maybe the stories about God in the Bible were created by the “experts” to get humans to stop following God, because they thought God was abusing humans. Like they wanted the humans to be free from God. And it worked for some people, but not everyone. And now many people are still stuck in terrifying belief systems.
Maybe God was manipulated into believing that certain things like getting vengeance were extremely important to the humans, and they needed to believe that if they weren’t the ones to get vengeance on someone, then God would do it for them later. When in reality, God just didn’t want people harming each other and thought that the only way he could get them to stop would be if they believed he’ll handle it for them later in a better way.
Also, maybe God was manipulated into believing that the humans who don’t harm others want to believe they’re getting a better reward for being “good” than the “sinners,” or even that the sinners would get punished after death. When in reality, everyone loves each other and wants to help each other, but we just don’t know that about ourselves yet because we have these thought recordings playing over our real selves, making us think things we don’t want to think.
This kind of reminds me of the way humans view other species of animals. We’re told by scientists or animal experts how different species think and behave. Like some species that live in groups have hierarchy structures, and a lot of their behaviors seem cruel the way they’re explained to us by scientists. But we still love the animals so much and would sacrifice ourselves to keep them from harm. Maybe that’s why God was able to be manipulated into situations like that.
Edit: 9:34pm Pacific Time. I don’t think any stories or concepts we can think of right now are anything like the real thing. But I think the representation of God is misunderstood because it’s limited to the confines of a human analogy or metaphor, or even vocabulary. I read somewhere about a language that has two different words for light blue and dark blue, like they’re different colors. And a study found that people who speak that language are typically better at discerning small differences between shades of blue than another language where all shades of blue are just called blue.
Edit: 9:50pm Pacific Time. Also, the representation of God is misunderstood because humans are limited. To only say the representation is what is limited to the confines of a human analogy or metaphor or vocabulary — I think it’s because recently I feel like I have this connection to something I don’t understand, and I get these ideas and feelings. But I think whatever it is, it’s being limited in how it can communicate with me because I’m a human.
But I think I just had an idea that I should also say that I’m being limited. That we’re all being limited. Maybe our connections to consciousness has been limited way more than others are aware of.
I think we just have to start sharing whatever ideas and understanding we have, even if we think someone already understands something. If they haven’t even had the thought, then they wouldn’t think to ask or tell other people about it.
May 26, 2026: 🗓
If I don’t like someone for no reason, maybe the reason is because they don’t know something they should know. And I actually know what it is, and I can help them by telling them. And by telling them, maybe I’m also helping and telling myself. But how do I know what it is?
When someone doesn’t have the right information for them, it might cause them to develop a distorted understanding of what’s going on around them and who they are, what their relation is to reality.
I think Carl Young said the reason we dislike someone is because they’re exhibiting traits we repress in ourselves, like arrogance or jealousy or sensitivity or creativity or anger.
I don’t know if this is true for other people, but many thoughts I experience have shown to me they’re not actually mine. It’s like a recording that plays in my mind, and I can sense myself underneath it now that I know what it is. I don’t actually know if any of my thoughts are mine, but I do have a sense of myself underneath the thoughts.
Maybe when I don’t like someone for no reason, it’s because I recognize that that person is also experiencing a recording of thoughts somehow related or connected or linked to the one I’m experiencing. And if I can realize it’s a recording, I can tell that person that theirs is also a recording, and then they can finally sense who they really are too.
While trying to figure out what it is in a person that could be connected to my thought recording, maybe it’s helpful to think of them as sort of a metaphor that my mind is pointing me toward as important.
This is the same idea people use to interpret dreams. Like when someone appears in your dream, there’s something about the person you recognize, and it’s like a metaphor in the dream. But I don’t really have dreams anymore, so maybe my mind is like, okay just try to figure out why you don’t like this person but like this other person even though you don’t know them?
Edit: 7:14am Pacific Time. Maybe some people are living out some kind of metaphor in their thought recordings. Or multiple metaphors. But it’s difficult to actually recognize your own metaphor because it’s superimposed or interspersed with your own mind. So it’s helpful to notice the metaphors other people might be living out in their own thought recordings.
Edit: 7:24am Pacific Time. This has been helping me be a lot more understanding of other people. I think it’s easy to observe someone else and think you know why they did something and negatively judge them for it. But even if you’re right, there might be additional details in their thought recording that you don’t have. For example, person A steals x from person B because person A doesn’t want person B to have x. But maybe person A doesn’t want person B to have x because person A believes x will distract person B from finding z, which is what person B was meant to find.
11:11am Pacific Time. Okay I was just out walking my dog, and I started having arrogant thoughts. Then I remembered I listed arrogance as what someone might dislike seeing another person exhibiting because they repress it in themselves, according to I think Carl Young.
I wonder if it’s actually the thought recording suppressing it though. Like it’s not actually arrogance, it’s actually self-value or self-worth. Maybe the thought recording is programmed to respond certain ways, like if/then statements in a computer program. But the program has a mapping system where basically anything resembling arrogance is labeled as arrogance, and so it starts generating arrogant thoughts.
If the person isn’t aware of this, they could mistake self-worth for arrogance every time it happens. But maybe we’re capable of experiencing a much broader range of emotions. But because of the mapping system, we can only detect a small amount.
Maybe a person was able to perceive a new concept by realizing the thought recording had this faulty mapping system. The moment they discover it, the program receives it as input. But if the program doesn’t know how to handle the new input, maybe it gets stuck or does something unexpected, depending on how the program is structured. Maybe this is what mental illness is. Someone just had a brand new idea.
But maybe the program is like the brain, and it can make new neural pathways and connections and rewire itself into this new version with all these new ideas and concepts. Like even if some part of someone’s brain does get stuck on a loop, it can self-adapt and become more versatile.
Or maybe there’s a way to rewire itself so that realizing new concepts doesn’t cause the program to have to create new neural pathways. Or maybe the brain doesn’t need to be wired or programmed in the first place.
For the past week, sometimes I think about the facial expression of the teenager female in the closet in the movie The Ring. Today, I started seeing this image of a man sitting on a living room carpeted floor with a similar expression, and a woman standing near him looking at him. Both of them were motionless.
At first I thought it was Lucas, but then I felt like it was a different him. Then I thought it was the motionless adult clown from an experience I had as a child. Today, I had a daydream where I entered this room. I approached and didn’t know what to do. It was in third person, like I was watching myself from across the room.
At first I thought I should give them space because I didn’t know who they were, and they seemed to be handling it. Neither of them seemed concerned. Like the thing to do was to wait it out.
As I started to walk away, I suddenly felt like I knew how to help. I walked over and sat down next to him, put my head on his chest and hand on his chest and sort of rubbed my hand on his chest like how I do with myself. But with myself it’s more like I just firmly push my hand on my chest.
He moved his arm, and I felt like he was present now. But he was also present while motionless but in a different way, like from a distance. But when I did that, he seemed to remember me.
There was a second time I was put in the room. This time, I remembered what I did before, and I remembered how to help him. And so I started to walk over to him, and I was so happy that I knew how to help him.
I don’t remember if I reached him or not, but I remember shrinking. He squashed me with his hand but in a playful way. It was slow, like he didn’t want to startle me. It wasn’t scary, it felt safe and familiar. I thought he squashed me on his arm, but I felt like I was in the ground. But I could fluidly move in the ground and seemed to know where I was going, like I was flying. But it didn’t feel like swimming, it felt like flying.
I also remember playing a game where I push my hand on his chest and he pushes back, like arm wrestling. I remember laughing.
I remember feeling like it wasn’t just me but that he also had the thought recording happening, and the thought recording had so much shame in it. And we did these animations, and I don’t remember if that helped, but we seemed to be able to get out of the thought recordings. The girl or woman was still standing motionless watching us. It didn’t feel like she was actually watching us though. It was like only her body was there.
The more I think of her, I worry that maybe this was a common thing that happened with him. And I imagine all the times she didn’t know what to do to help him, how scared I’ve felt in the past when I didn’t know how to help others.
I wonder if she had a thought recording telling her that he was faking it or doing it for attention or to make her feel bad or something. And the way it was wired, it didn’t allow her to make the connection to what was really going on. And then her seeing someone come in and immediately fix it with love, She just seemed like she was frozen there or disappearing from herself. Like she felt she had to go somewhere she couldn’t make anyone else feel bad.
I think that’s what the conscious mind is. I’m worried this could be happening to people in dreams over and over again, dreams the conscious mind doesn’t remember.
Maybe we’re the ones doing it to ourselves, like it’s a way to make sure we stay here so we can’t harm anyone. Or maybe we never harmed anyone in the first place but just subconsciously think we did.
Or maybe it’s another part of the brain doing it. If it is, I truly believe they’re only doing it to protect us or some other part of the brain or both or something else. But I think they’re also not aware of things they were meant to know, like how I’m not aware of things I was meant to know. And because of that, they’re trying to help but it still doesn’t feel right to them.
It’s why I’m writing all these posts. Sometimes I have a feeling I should write something and just send it out into the world, and it’s going to help somehow. I know this is all going to work out somehow.
Edit: 9:12pm Pacific Time. I remembered that in between the two times I was brought to the room, I was actually brought to the room again. I remembered how to help him, but then wondered if he can’t move, then how do I know he’s giving me consent to touch him? Because I wasn’t getting any indication from him that he was okay with me doing that. I didn’t know if he knew me or if I knew him.
Then there was another presence in the room, and he was murmuring something but no one answered. I got the feeling like he felt left out, and then he sort of disappeared before I could say something to him to make him feel better. But I somehow thought that if I go to the spot he was sitting and try to send my love to him to wherever he disappeared to, maybe he would somehow feel it.
I wonder if these were attempts to understand the conscious mind. Maybe they misunderstood me and thought I don’t want to physically touch people. Maybe they needed someone to do this task that for some reason requires the person to be completely isolated from other people. And since they thought I didn’t want physical contact with people, I was a good candidate? Since I haven’t had physical contact with a human in 8 years. Actually a stranger hugged me in a park once not long ago.
But these are the things that just make me feel like so many people need to know way more about what’s going on. Because underneath the thought recordings, we all just love each other and want to help each other.
Edit: 9:24pm Pacific Time. I read the Harry Potter books in this order: 1st, 3rd, 2nd. I deleted that from my previous edit because the wording made it seem like I also visited the room in that order. If those were actual memories, then I don’t know which order it happened. But the order I remembered them was 1st, 3rd, 2nd.
May 24, 2026: 🗓
I saw once on a crime show a man being interviewed as a murder suspect. He had dissociative identity disorder (DID). So far, he only exhibited two personalities. The police thought he was lying, and a consultant suggested they tell him people with DID have at least three personalities. If he brings out a third one just because you told him this, then he doesn’t have the disorder. Shortly after being told, the man switched to a third personality that hadn’t yet made its existence known.
Why is it — what I’m more interested in is whether or not they assumed the other personalities didn’t pick up on why they were asked that question. It’s totally plausible that the personalities didn’t want anyone else to get murdered, so they played along with the trick to discredit the man.
I am being completely honest when I say I didn’t even realize, until after writing the last paragraph, that the answer is neither; they didn’t assume anything about the personalities because they didn’t even think they were real. Like I actually didn’t even realize that while writing it. I think because I was so focused on how unjust it is to use that question to discredit someone. Even if they did falsify a third, it doesn’t mean they don’t have DID. Maybe the third was delaying its entrance in anticipation of the police asking that question. That way, the third personality wouldn’t even have to lie about anything. Just its existence alone would be enough.
I think it’s really important to talk about this other form of intrusive thoughts that I don’t hear about. One form is where you believe you can tell the difference between the intrusive thoughts and your own thoughts. The other form is where your thoughts replace you. A few days ago, my mind had me experience them both consecutively, and I think it used the same thoughts for both forms. It’s like my mind was trying to remind me how different they are.
Also, it can withhold not only self-recognition but the memory of what you believe in that grounds you or gives you a sense of being grounded in an idea that you are safe. It can also withhold a sense of self-awareness, especially while talking out loud while it’s happening.
Sometimes it will subtly reveal itself to be still the thinker of the thoughts long after you’ve already assumed that the intrusive thoughts ended and it’s been you thinking. Like it’s trying to show you how subtle it can be. Like, when people have intrusive thoughts, it can be to varying degrees of subtlety. People that are only given non-subtle intrusive thoughts and don’t mistake the intrusive thoughts for their own don’t have a problem with the same things that people do that have the extremely subtle versions. They have very different problems caused by this.
Sometimes I’ve wondered if they’re doing this because they think that we enjoy it somehow, like detective work or being a lifelong learner of psychology sociology philosophy. But I’m not sure if humans are as interested in those things as they think they are. Like would they invest time in them if boredom didn’t exist?
I don’t even really think of myself as a person anymore. The way the brain is modeled and the human experience is modeled, I just don’t think that’s what it actually is.
Another part of it is it seems — I’m not sure if this is what it would do for everyone, but for me, it does a lot of series of thoughts and speech and nonverbal communication to be narcissistic. It’s actually done this I think my entire life, but I just didn’t realize it wasn’t me. It took me a long time to realize that, even after — — long after — — I realized that the thoughts weren’t mine. The narcissistic tendencies of the thoughts stuck for a long time as part of my identity. It would also be things like flipping my hair with my hand in a way that seemed snobby, but right after doing it, I’d be like, I don’t like that I did that. Why did I do that? That’s not me.
I wonder if it makes the person seem like a narcissist so that after the person realizes that all of this has been happening to them, and they don’t really see themselves as a person anymore but more of a multiple consciousness of some kind, it just kind of sounds like a narcissistic thing to start believing about yourself. And then the topics that you talk about are all self-centered, because they’re about your thoughts and behavior because you’re trying to figure out what’s happening because you can’t just live as you were before. You have to find a new path somehow. Or when you can’t find one, you have to climb over all the stuff in the jungle, and you can’t keep up with life. You can’t do the things that a person can do in life while also experiencing this. I don’t know how this would work on someone that was already married with kids. Maybe that’s why some people get married and have kids. Or one of many reasons.
But I also don’t want to view it as just something that people like me have to deal with. Because there’s parts of the experience that I just feel like I’m not using properly. Like this is a — — This can be a gift if it’s used the right way. But I don’t know how to use it the right way. And I wonder if there is a right way to use it, and everyone that’s not experiencing it believes that the people experiencing it know what the right way to use it is and is just choosing not to. Maybe there’s some different way to use it that is self-serving, and since these people are narcissists allegedly, that’s why they’re not using it to help and contribute to society. But these are the people that wanted to do that probably the most out of anyone. If you’re aware of this, You have a responsibility to tell us..
It might seem like it’s too late or too much has happened now to come forward and say something. But please do. I think there’s a lot more going on that you’re not aware of because you haven’t come forward about this. And maybe you believe you were in the wrong by doing what you did, but you just misunderstood the reasons that you did it, and they were actually very good reasons.
Edit: 3:32pm Pacific Time.
Even though my life has been significantly more challenging since I found out almost 8 years ago, the alternative of having to go through the motions the rest of my life as that identity is much worse. I was conditioned not only to believe that was really me, but also to seem totally okay with it (due to a certain type of self-awareness being withheld). At least now I can help and contribute in some way.
When something about a situation doesn’t feel right, even if it’s only a little bit not right, there’s something not right.
You don’t have to settle for almost right.
You weren’t meant to settle for almost right.
When something’s not right, the reason is because someone doesn’t know something that they should know. It might not seem important. I really think it’s important, whatever it is, if you thought of it.
When someone doesn’t have the right information for them, they might create their own reasons while in a state of fear and confusion. You don’t know what lack of what information can cause specific people to enter into a state of fear and confusion. It might not make sense to you why that piece of information was even relevant.
Edit: 2:34am Pacific Time. I think it might be you. If you come across a person or have an idea that someone might know something, I think you should ask them. I don’t know who “you” is.
Edit: 2:56am Pacific Time. Maybe this is what causes someone to dislike someone for no reason. Maybe they just don’t “feel right” about a person because that person doesn’t know something they should know. And maybe you have the information. It could be something you believe they already know.
Edit: 3:18am Pacific Time. Maybe no one was ever meant to dislike anyone. Maybe everyone was meant to love everyone. But we started thinking we had reasons for not liking a person when we couldn’t make sense of why they seemed “off.” Maybe being given a reason that wasn’t right for me was why I didn’t connect with my own knowing of why the person seemed “off.” Maybe that’s why many other people are “withholding” information from other people. They don’t even realize they have it, because they’ve already been provided a reason for “disliking” that person. So they’ve never even thought to observe the person for themselves and make the connection.
Edit: 3:47am Pacific Time. Maybe this also includes animals. I think this includes animals.
Edit: 4:04am Pacific Time. Maybe the people we like for no reason are the ones we should share ideas with.
May 23, 2026: 🗓
Not long after becoming active on social media again, I thought of posting about an experience I had with the childhood game Bloody Mary. But I didn’t for some reason. And now today, I was like, oh maybe there’s a reason I should be posting about this, like people should know something about this story. So I started drafting and editing in my mind what to write down.
Then I was like, why didn’t I post about it months ago when it occurred to me? At first, I decided that my reason was because I didn’t want to scare people or cause people to think I’m trying to scare them. But then I was like, oh right, I don’t actually know the reason..
It’s so human to think we know the reasons why we do things. I want to clarify that.. it’s human to think we know the reason. That’s why we try to think of the reason; it’s because we believe if we think about it enough or understand ourselves enough, we’ll uncover what the reason is. Like, oh right, that’s why I did that.
Maybe that’s why the interpreter believes they need to fill all the gaps with a narrative, because it believes the conscious mind needs reasons. Like it accidentally trained the conscious mind to believe it knows and needs the reason, and then it forgot that it trained the conscious mind to believe those things; and now it’s been wondering why the conscious mind needs the reason, so it’s been conjuring up these stories to give the conscious mind because it doesn’t actually have a reason to give it.
Maybe that’s why the interpreter thinks it needs to be separated from the conscious mind, because if they weren’t separated, the conscious mind would find out the interpreter doesn’t have a reason.
Maybe the interpreter thinks the conscious mind would be mad or feel betrayed. This is not true at all. If the conscious mind knew how much the interpreter has gone through just to put all these narratives together for them because they think it’s important for the conscious mind’s wellbeing, everything would be okay. Both the conscious mind and the interpreter just want everyone to be happy and free and live fulfilling lives, including themselves.
Okay here’s another story. Maybe this will help somehow. I don’t know.
Added September 8, 2026: 🗓 The link is to an Instagram video about the phenomenon of retrieval-induced forgetting, sometimes referred to as “the ugly sister effect”. Quoting from the video, “It’s named for the Cinderella fairy tale because the prince can’t see Cinderella — the right answer in this case — because the ugly sisters are blocking the door. […] This was shown in a 1994 study where they had people memorize lists of fruits, drinks, and other categories. And then they had people practice recalling some of the fruits over and over, like orange. Then later, when they tested them again, people were worse at remembering unpracticed fruits, like a banana, compared to items from categories that they hadn’t practiced at all. So as soon as they’d see a banana, their brain thought fruit, and the neuron for orange kept firing. This is also known as retrieval-induced forgetting. So what’s happened here is, by strengthening the “ugly sister,” you are chemically suppressing “Cinderella.”
Are the “ugly sisters” blocking Cinderella from the world, or are they blocking the world from r*ping Cinderella? Also, why are they “ugly”? Maybe someone told them since inner beauty is what’s important, as long as Cinderella is “ugly” on the outside, nobody will rape her. And so they did their best to make Cinderella “ugly”. This happened when they were children, so they didn’t understand what r*pe was actually about. Also, they still don’t know what r*pe is actually about.
Someone else “just happened” to be passing by and observed this and thought the sisters were being cruel? To teach the sisters a lesson (not as punishment, but to help them learn and develop into mature beings), they made the sisters as “ugly” as the sisters tried to make Cinderella. Sort of like the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated.
But the passersby forgot to actually help Cinderella. This does happen in real life. People get so preoccupied with trying to stop the perpetrators that they forget to help the victim. I’ve falling for this trap myself.
Also, finding out the truth about what happened will not destroy any of them.
Edit: I almost forgot to include the most important part. Please do not omit any parts of the truth from them. I know it is tempting to do that because some parts seem to clutter it, and you want to clean it up to make it more “readable”. But the clutter is extremely important for them to know. Again, I’ve fallen for this myself. You find out later what was really going on, and you’re like, oh I accidentally withheld really important information from them because I thought this was a different story.
Edit: 10:02am Pacific Time, she still doesn’t know.
Edit: 10:04am Pacific Time. Regarding the 10:02am edit, she received the emotion but not the actual information.
Edit: 10:08am Pacific Time. For some reason, I keep feeling compelled to write “no animals were harmed in the making of this film.” My first thought: “someone infiltrated my mind pretending to be a spirit guide or something, urging me to write that for reasons they can’t tell me because it’s a “spiritual” matter, and I just need to pass it on.” I used to be so worried about things like that. It’s still the first thought that I have, and I still don’t know if the thought is true or not. But there’s a really important difference: behind all the layers of thoughts, there’s someone or something or some presence we can trust.
I wonder what identity theft *actually* means.
May 22, 2026: 🗓
Yesterday I thought about how some stories that play in my mind are so vague they don’t even have a premise, but there’s vivid details, like someone fiddling with a red spiral phone cord.
Today I was like, oh what if that’s like a nonverbal hypnotism cue? Which reminded me of watching people being hypnotized in my highschool auditorium. Everyone that volunteered was able to be hypnotized except one girl who has the same first name as me.
Which made me think of how I accidentally received a jury-duty summons for a girl with the same first name as me.
Which made me think of a story where a girl can’t be hypnotized, and so she’s chosen to do a task, like Frodo in Lord of the Rings. Like maybe the ring is a hypnotist, and Frodo is immune to it, so he’s the one that carries it.
Or maybe nobody is immune to it. Or maybe people just misunderstood what the ring was, like they thought it was evil or something. But the ring is actually precious.
I think I found it:
Everyone, including yourself, is just trying to help others or trying to figure out how they can help others.
It isn’t enough to just assume it’s true for everyone. You need to include all aspects of yourself in the assumption, even the aspects of yourself you misunderstood or are unaware of.
This isn’t to say you can’t reach the same answer with different assumptions. But the journey can be way more fun if you try the path even less traveled by 🐬
An example is someone eating meat.
They’re actually not eating meat. You think they are because the initial conditions wired in your brain constructed a world view where you believe they’re eating meat. You don’t need to rewire the initial conditions and start over. You can just change the assumptions and let your brain make new connections and neural pathways and rewire itself.
And actually, maybe the connections and pathways you’ve made so far will uplift the new connections and pathways into a journey you wouldn’t have even thought of to hope for.
In this scenario, Adam and Eve are like traditional human parents. They want what’s best for their child, but they’re only human, so they know they’re going to unintentionally mess up while trying to raise their children. Maybe that’s why they wanted the book of knowledge. They thought it would help them understand “God” better so they could raise him to be the best version of himself. Actually, not the best version, but whatever his favorite version of himself would be
Maybe “God” was actually a higher-dimentional form of a child, and he was in the garden of Eden to learn how to properly connect with his Default Mode Network. Maybe something about Adam and Eve and the tree of life made him believe they did something to harm him for no reason. So instead, he decided to view himself as bad and therefore deserving of harm so that he didn’t have to believe he lived in a world where people can be harmed for no reason.
It just never made sense to me that “God” would “punish” Adam and Eve just because they didn’t follow a stipulation or something.
May 21, 2026: 🗓
Today I was thinking about a scenario where someone is asked to choose between two moral theories to play in their mind during their life. An example is doing things that benefit the most people vs not compromising on a moral principle even if it would result in a better overall situation. Like depending on which one I pick, there’s a different recording of thoughts that plays in my mind.
But then I was thinking about a third Holly in the middle of this picture ⬇️ between two stories. It’s like heads, tails, and edge. Or heads, tails, and the quarter bounced out the window while we’re driving, so it’s open to interpretation. Or something else.
⬆️ Link to video ⬆️
It’s sort of similar to interpreter of the brain trying to create a narrative out of the spontaneous unstructured thoughts of a DMN. Some of the stories are so vague that I don’t even have a premise, but there is dread for no reason. Maybe the overlap is where the dread comes from. If I can somehow pull it into 3D space, there would be enough space for them. Or maybe if the two other Hollys could spread out further to the sides. The artist would need to use a different drawing attachment though. Or maybe she already finished the picture. I think this metaphor is getting too detailed. That’s what happens with the narratives, too. There’s so many details but also so vague sometimes too. Like there’s no premise, but there’s a person fiddling with a red spiral phone cord while talking on the phone.
Backstory:
The interpreter part of the brain supposedly creates narratives out of the spontaneous unstructured thoughts from the Default Mode Network (DMN). Both the interpreter and DMN work behind the scenes, separated from the person experiencing the narrative they co-create.
Nowstory:
Maybe there’s a subnetwork within a person’s DMN that communicates with other people’s DMN subnetworks. Like when two people have a conversation, maybe the two DMN subnets have their own conversation through some kind of language system that’s become ubiquitous overtime, like specific speech patterns paired with non-verbal cues and subtle sign language.
People are consciously aware it’s happening to them, and it makes them feel isolated and misunderstood. It prevents them from learning how to connect with their own voices and align with their values. And for many people, it prevents them from being able to form social bonds of any depth or feel a connection to other people at all. Starting in childhood, they’re conditioned to turn “negative” feelings inward on themselves, which might unintentionally weaken the connection between that person and whatever it is in them that alerts them to things like this.
And maybe the interpreter also doesn’t know why it happens but thinks they have no choice but to just make up reasons to fill the gaps, even though it doesn’t feel right.
Underneath the narratives is the feeling of none of this being right for any of them.
I read somewhere that a person is only consciously aware of .013% of the information and processes happening in their DMN. I wonder what percentage the interpreter is aware of.
I don’t know. I just think we were meant to be a lot more connected to our DMN. I saw a video that said children often prefer to view themselves as bad rather than believe bad things happen to them for no reason or for reasons they don’t understand. It’s so early that children have to do that just to feel less unsafe in the world. I think it disconnects them from their DMN before they even get a chance to start understanding themselves. After that, they’re taught to look outward.
May 20, 2026: 🗓
Maybe so-called monsters are actually parts of a person that believe, for some reason, they were exploited or manipulated into thinking they’re too ugly to be around others.
Maybe these parts were initially seen as the most sacred of a human being, like the divine within.
To make referencing this easier, I’m going to refer to these parts as greens.
In a recent Facebook post, I talked about how, supposedly, the interpreter of the brain creates narratives out of the unstructured thoughts from the DMN (default mode network).
Maybe the greens hide in the narratives somehow. But the narratives are transmitted to the conscious mind, and maybe this would be a vulnerability. So in order to not be seen during transmission, they hide in the implicit backstory of the narrative. The implicit backstory isn’t a direct thought, so it’s not being transmitted to the conscious mind. Or maybe it is transmitted, but it only needs to happen once, sort of like a frame or lens through which the conscious mind experiences direct thoughts.
But because of this, the person experiencing the narratives can’t experience the greens clearly. Maybe the greens are getting mixed with the narrative to form new and different colors and feelings. Maybe these mixtures get distorted while being sent from the interpreter to the conscious mind, and they’re experienced as what we now call shame and dread and fear, etc. And maybe this causes greens and any other observers to think the person is rejecting the greens. But the person isn’t experiencing the greens. They’re experiencing the distortion. All the observers see is that whenever greens show up in the narrative, the person rejects it or tries to get away from it.
I don’t know how this specifically relates to this. But if someone is looking through a window thinking it’s a mirror, they will see themselves as others see them. But if someone is truly looking at themselves in a mirror, they will see the “mirror image” of how others see them. When you’re used to seeing yourself only in a mirror, you might look really distorted if you see yourself as others see you. The more unsymmetrical a person’s face is, the more distorted they look with the image flipped around.
Unless their memories were altered such that their memories of looking in a mirror were flipped
You might even say you look like a monster
Maybe the person isn’t experiencing a distortion because of how the narrative is transmitted, but maybe because of something related to mirror images or like the way light bends through the frame
Or lens
Everyone’s perspective is important. Every thought matters.
On Planet Earth right now, does the number of alive human beings equal the number of alive human bodies? Please recall that this question is not asking if human beings are “equal to” or “superior to” or “inferior to” human bodies.
Also, please recall that humans often leave out the word “number” when asking about quantities; but again, this doesn’t mean they’re asking about the intrinsic value of a human being.
On Planet Earth right now, does the number of alive human beings equal the number of alive human bodies? Please recall that the answer to this question is not assigning an intrinsic value to a human being. They are simply counting the number of human bodies and then noting if they’re able to keep counting human beings past the number of human bodies, or if the count is equal or less. Also, please recall that you are a human being. You are not a machine or a computer program that can get stuck in a loop if there is faulty logic in the code.
If your mailbox is full, but some of what’s in there wasn’t addressed to you, the mailman isn’t going to know that. All he knows is he can’t deliver your mail, because the mailbox is full. If he cares, he’ll keep trying, but he will eventually need to return to sender. It was probably some other mailman that put other people’s letters in your mailbox by accident. You are the one who needs to look through the mail for the letters that weren’t meant for you. Once you take those out, you’ll have enough space to receive the rest of your mail?
⬆️ Maybe it wasn’t by accident. Maybe the previous mailman tried to deliver those letters to the right addresses, but those mailboxes were full. And so he (or she) put the letters in nearby mailboxes that still had extra space, thinking those neighbors would recognize the names on the envelopes as their neighbors and complete the deliveries.
The place where I get my mail is like a communal mailbox. The people who work there sort the mail. They once mistakenly put a jury-duty notice with my mail because I have the same first name as the recipient. I completed the eligibility questionnaire over the phone before I realized it was actually addressed to a different Andrea. I brought the jury-duty letter to the courthouse. The courthouse said they can’t delete the questionnaire, or at least not through me, but they will resend the jury-duty letter. I then notified the place where I receive mail that the courthouse is resending the letter, and I requested that they tell her what happened and that another person filled out her questionnaire by mistake. For some reason they told me they hadn’t seen her pick up mail for a few months or something. This was like a year ago, maybe two years ago.
I believe this is worth trying..
Maybe if we release the things we’ve withheld from others, we’ll find what has been withheld from us.
A person might feel they have no choice but to withhold information in an attempt to protect others. But what if the person could know all the information withheld from themselves? Would they still have no choice? How many different people have withheld bits and pieces that accumulated over time?
If you do receive new information, keep in mind it might be coming from a person who has limited knowledge about it (or basically no knowledge about it and think it means something different), so you might misinterpret what they’re trying to tell you. A person that has full knowledge can explain it properly.
Maybe when we think we have no choice but to compromise on our values, and we still refuse, something magic happens.
Maybe eating meat stops a person from being able to make the decision to stop eating meat.
Like eating meat flips a lil timer switch set to a certain number of hours where that person isn’t deemed ethical enough to make decisions for themselves (because they decided to eat meat).
This is for the “greater” good.
Before the timer is up, the outsider also does something “unethical,” flipping yet another switch. The outsider, along with their knowledge, is replaced with a different outsider with a different understanding of what reality is.
If you say “coffee” out loud, speech-to-text might hear “coughing.”
“Bob. Same backwards as forwards,” said Bob, rolling his wheelchair backwards and forwards while introducing himself. From a Frasier episode.
May 19, 2026: 🗓
I’ve been attempting to speak up for others when I have a thought. I think other people should do that too. Maybe certain thoughts don’t occur to everyone because they have a severed connection or something.
Okay full disclosure I don’t really remember the garden of Eden story. I just saw a video of a girl saying that eating from the tree of knowledge isn’t where they went wrong; it was hiding from God when they felt shame. (I actually don’t think they did anything wrong, I think it was just misunderstandings. Actually, now that I think of it, that girl might not have even used the word “wrong”.)
Maybe God thought Adam and Eve hid from him because they were rejecting him and didn’t want him to find them. Like they were implicitly telling him, now that we have the book of knowledge, we no longer want the book of life. So maybe God thought, oh these creatures only want one book. Like he didn’t foresee this because he thought they would have both. But he’s not going to force a book on them or force them to be around him if they don’t want that.
Maybe some entity hid parts of reality from God. Again, not as punishment, but just to prevent him from negatively influencing others. Maybe that unintentionally prevented God from making the connection between “shame” and “reason they hid from him.” And now the entity thinks God purposely withheld the book of life from Adam and Eve, even though God wants them to have it if they want it.
Maybe God was also the serpent, and he was trying to give them a little nudge to learn and develop into their full selves and reach their full potential. Maybe he thought the book of knowledge would help them with that.
I don’t know. Sometimes when I have thoughts like these, I feel an outward pull to speak up. The outward pull comes from within, but it’s not a push. I don’t know how to explain that, but I also felt a pull to say that. I’d rather be too trusting than not try to find the connection at all.
The sentence I wrote right before this one, like many other sentences I’ve written, I feel like it’s communicating things I’m not aware of. But it’s not hiding that awareness from me. I just trust it..
Edit:Maybe, for some reason, the serpent believed the garden of Eden was ethics training. The only example I can think of is like a police academy. But in this analogy, the training is in things like resisting temptation to punish when humans do things they don’t understand or misinterpret or makes them angry.
Maybe the serpent was Adam and Eve’s guardian, and he realized Adam and Eve didn’t know they were in a simulation. This training wasn’t for Adam and Eve; they were just volunteers or like participants in a study. The participants are supposed to be aware it’s a training simulation for “God.” So the serpent told Adam and Eve what was really going on (by way of the tree of knowledge) so they wouldn’t be scared if “God” tried to punish them.
Sometimes, the simplest moments hold the deepest wisdom. Let your thoughts settle, and clarity will find you. Use this quote space to share something inspirational or reflective, perfectly aligned with the theme of your article.
May 18, 2026: 🗓
The following values are known:
0️⃣ Let x equal the phrase “believes they’re doing the right thing or the best available option for everyone involved,” or the plural version of this phrase1️⃣ Let y equal people 2️⃣ Let q equal guardian 3️⃣ p equal a subset of y
Everyone x
4️⃣ q think z not equal xtherefore, q Hyde some reality from z5️⃣ q hide some reality from y for different reasons 6️⃣ p hide some reality from p7️⃣ Therefore, p think z not equal x 8️⃣ Therefore, p hide some reality from z9️⃣ z not know anything🔟 q not know y hide much reality from z1️⃣1️⃣ y able to infiltrate z1️⃣2️⃣ q know y able to infiltrate z1️⃣3️⃣ y not know (q know y able to infiltrate z)
On trial day:1️⃣4️⃣ y not infiltrate z 1️⃣5️⃣ z tell q not to sentence y1️⃣6️⃣ Therefore, q think y infiltrate z. 1️⃣7️⃣ Therefore, q sentence (z and y) instead of only z, even though everyone x
Here’s an example story:
Guardian thinks z isn’t doing what z knows is the right for everyone involved. Therefore, guardian hides parts of reality from z; this isn’t to punish z but just to prevent z from negativity influencing others. Guardian also hides parts of reality from y for different reasons (again, not as punishment).
Since y doesn’t know the subset hid more reality from z, y interprets z’s behavior as actually having sinister intentions rather than just not really caring about others. Therefore, y hides even more reality from z. This probably iterates a few more times between y and the subset until z basically knows nothing
The interpreter part of the brain supposedly creates narratives out of the spontaneous unstructured thoughts from the Default Mode Network (DMN).
Both the interpreter and DMN work behind the scenes, separated from the person experiencing the narrative they co-create. So none of them know what it’s like to experience each other’s realities. Why are they all separated like that? How do they know who’s behind the curtains? What if there’s multiple people or no people or different people at different times receiving the narratives?
The interpreter receives ambiguous, potentially distorted or twisted input from the DMN, filling in gaps with inaccurate information, making false interpretations and categorizations of DMN behavior just so it can keep up. But why does it have to fill in every gap?
Maybe the interpreter believes if it doesn’t fill all gaps in continuity, something bad will happen. Like if they leave a gap “open” to interpretation, people from the outside world will enter through the gap and desecrate the mindscape or alter memories or emotional ties for some reason.
April 17, 2026: 🗓
Latent inhibition is “your brain’s ability to screen out stimuli it has already decided don’t matter.” (Quote from this Instagram video)
Last year, I started collecting pieces of metal I could find outside or on the side of the road to make scrap art. I also have been more creative recently. I didn’t know what latent inhibition was until I watched this, but I think the collecting decreased my latent inhibition, which probably increased creativity. Like my brain widened its filter because there might be a piece of metal over there 🧲🗝️🩶
May 16, 2026: 🗓
Who told her it was important to know what the Ames window actually looks like? Also, who told you it was important to know what the Ames window actually looks like?
Why tf would you use a white marker on a white background?
Orange you glad I didn’t use a white marker this time?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
That’s what I thought it was too until I saw this just a couple minutes ago.
Me too! I was like, why do I not understand this joke?
When were you ever told this joke?
It’s like you saw the end of the movie without ever knowing what a movie was.
When we were little.
Imagine two stakes sticking out of the ground vertically. A person is standing facing stake 1, with stake 2 behind stake 1. If viewing this scene from above, all three are positioned in a straight line. The person is standing close enough that they see a gap of space between the top of stake 1 and the bottom of stake 2.
How far would the person need to shrink in height so that it appears, from the person’s perspective, that the top of stake 1 meets the bottom of stake 2, creating the illusion of a single stake?
Alternatively, how far would they need to back up?
*Also, since the tops of the stakes aren’t necessarily flat, you’ll need to know the dimensions of those as well, as shown in the picture.
May 17, 2026: 🗓
On February 7, she gave all forms of consciousness permission to access all of her thoughts and memories, and any other thoughts or memories of other consciousnesses they found in her, in order to find out what went wrong. This is because she believes that every form of consciousness believes it is doing the right thing or at least the best option available, and any “evil” is just a misunderstanding due to different aspects of reality being hidden from various consciousnesses. For example, one consciousness unaware of aspects of reality being hidden from them is also hiding aspects of reality from other consciousnesses, not realizing the full effects of that action.
Shortly after, she felt compelled to repeat it a second time, but she felt like there was something off about it.
The first time she said it was while looking at the way that leaf on the tree was moving around with the wind. She felt a connection to something she’s rarely been able to.
She felt like all the animals never actually suffered, and they were just playing with each other. And she cried for a long time because she was so relieved by that idea, even though it felt like the story could shift back to dread-inducing ideas (which it did.) But in those few moments of relief and connection, she received the idea of everyone doing what they think is right, and any perceived “evil” is just the result of misunderstandings due to parts of reality being withheld from various entities.
The second time she said it:
Later that day, a story was put in her mind that some people convinced other people she killed herself or was able to transcend out of her body or something, and they were using her mind and body to “train” others. They put others in her, sort of like dissociative identity disorder story. The trainees don’t know she’s still there. In this scenario, I’m not sure if the trainees believe they’re experiencing some kind of recording of what her actual thoughts were. She’s also experiencing the same thoughts, but they’re not her thoughts either. The ones that know she’s still there tell Lucas, but they purposely confuse him and scare him and make him feel so bad. So she felt like if all entities believe they’re doing the right thing, maybe if she gives all consciousnesses access to all thoughts and memories in her, somehow they’ll find out what they don’t know and share everything with everyone, and they’ll stop being cruel because they’ll realize what’s actually going on. Anyway, she was aware that she already said it once, but she felt like she needed to say it again with this scenario in mind for some reason. It just felt off to her, especially because that storyline gave her a lingering feeling that other people were also experiencing this in her mind and body as “training,” similar to stories placed in her mind in previous years about having dissociative identity disorder and that the personalities in her secretly tormented her since childhood because the people who infiltrated her mind turned them against her.
She feels compelled right now to add that it wasn’t just her thoughts and memories. It was also her body and other things she’s not aware of so doesn’t have words for because of the limitations of what she’s able to perceive. But just whatever was necessary for the consciousnesses to figure out what’s being hidden from which consciousnesses. Also, she wanted all the information to be given to all forms of consciousnesses so that nothing was hidden from anyone.
May 2026: 🗓
“A reference I picked up somewhere.” This might be related: when she hears a thought that abruptly ends mid-sentence, she prefers not to pick up where it left off and finish the sentence herself. She’s not preventing it from completing. She just doesn’t know what it is or why it’s there, so seems wise to leave it be. Doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes when she’s focused on something else, it’s like her hippocampus takes over and completes it without her consent.
The wording you used of “leave it be” made me think of this post ⬇️ and how the “audience won’t think it’s realistic if you just leave it like that”
Ames window
Cats in the pack made me think of Cat in the Hat, and I read a PDF of the book online. I don’t know why, but it was really emotionally triggering for me, especially the part where the goldfish tried standing up to the cat.
February 18, 2026
“Go at it boldly, and you’ll find unexpected forces closing round you and coming to your aid,” said Basil King. 🐬
I feel so much more like myself after refusing to compromise on my values. It’s like I got my inner spark back. Maybe when we think we have no choice but to compromise on our values, and we still refuse, something magic happens.
My main source of income is UberEats delivery. I recently actually said out loud to myself that I’ll never deliver from another restaurant that serves killed animals.
My income basically went to zero. It got to a point where I had 23 cents in my bank account and had to sign a promissory note at my dog’s daycare because I ran out of money. Then I noticed one of my credit cards increased my credit limit by almost $900, which is giving me time to find a new source of income.
Now I’m working on becoming vegan. I never thought I could afford it, but I’m doing it anyway.
(Actually, I’m still compromising on other values. Like, where do I recycle cardboard when traveling when there’s only containers for plastic and glass? But I picked the most detrimental one to focus on first.)
February 12, 2026
We could unknowingly have a totally different understanding than other people about a situation, so should directly ask people out loud what they think is going on. But even then, many things people say and do can have different meanings.
I don’t know. Sometimes the most obvious thought doesn’t even occur to me until way later, so I want to say this in case it prevents the “way later” part from happening to someone else.
Also, the picture is my dog’s bungee-cord leash looking like a person walking my dog, like Gumby🐾 Totally accidental, I wouldn’t have thought to set it up like that.
February 4, 2026
7 years ago, I found out that my life was a lie. An analogy is that I was the only person unknowingly living without technology in a technology community. The technology people were able to use their technology without me being aware of it, and they purposely kept it hidden from me.
7 years ago, they used their technology in ways that terrified me because it wouldn’t be possible in the limited reality I was exposed to. I found out it wasn’t just my community, but strangers in different places knew this about me and how to use the technology to scare and isolate me.
I withdrew from society when I found out, and I stopped talking to my family and everyone else except customer service representatives. I started to re-emerge about a year ago.
I’m writing this to document what happened to me and make it public, especially because my seatbelt hasn’t worked in 3 years and I feel like I’m due for an accident, even though I know that’s gambler’s fallacy.
This wasn’t just about being kept in the dark about the reality I actually live in. This stole my life, my ability to have a belief system or believe in really anything, my identity and any idea of who I am and if my memories are real, my ability to feel safe in any environment or situation, my ability to come out of survival mode, my partner and children I wasn’t allowed to have.
For anyone who has experienced something similar, I believe you. Please message me if you can. I’ll be sharing more in the future.
Very recently, asking for help is what changed everything for me. But not the help of other people (that was not well-recieved when I tried). I asked for help just blindly to the world, and the help I received came from my mind. Also, it took me 7 years to publicly ask for help. I don’t think this was accidental.
I want to add background I learned that helped me and could also help other people.
Intrusive thoughts are not my thoughts. Many of the intrusive thoughts are accompanied with a little fluttery feeling in my heart. This is like a signal that I’m supposed to feel icky about myself now, kind of like Pavlov’s Bell. I recently found out this fluttery feeling isn’t coming from me. It was also forcing me to associate excitement and passion with shame. Nervous body things like my eyes being widened, my mouth being shifted into a different shape, visibly tensing up — also not me. I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s not me.
I’m going to write in all caps for the first time in my life because that’s how important this is.
FINDING OUT IT’S NOT ME IS THE ONLY REASON I WAS ABLE TO START MAKING PROGRESS.
To make referencing it easier, I’ll refer to the source of the intrusive thoughts and body things as Blob. As in the film The Blob, which I haven’t seen.
Referring to it as Blob helps me feel less violated because it’s not human. It’s like a blob that acquired data about psychology and manipulation tactics, like an AI blob.
I’m going to write in all caps for the second time in my life because that’s how important this is.
BLOB IS NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS PEOPLE HIDING REALITY FROM ME.
I’ve studied Blob for 7 years unwillingly. I want to document what I’ve observed. Maybe this can help people.
I believe Blob has been with me for much longer than 7 years, probably since childhood if that even happened. It was just 7 years ago that people revealed to me that my reality wasn’t real, and so I believed it was possible for Blob to be something outside of me that infiltrated me.
Blob succeeded in getting me to believe in a false version of myself that I couldn’t trust, feel proud of, or want to be around. This is how Blob isolated me from my inner power and actual identity.
Blob uses vivid storytelling to keep me out of touch with reality. The reason Blob can do this is because no one will tell me what reality is, which also keeps me isolated from society.
Blob does this by playing a long and detailed story in my mind for enough days that it starts to actually feel real. Then Blob will transition the story’s reality to something scary and dread-inducing, and later start a new story with a new reality.
Blob hides dread in the implicit backstory of the frame through which I’m viewing my thoughts. The frame is created by Blob, and it’s difficult to shake off because it’s not a direct thought.
My frame could be, I’m a female who loves my dog. But I’m not actually thinking about that while I’m thinking a direct thought. It’s more in the background. Blob might create a frame where I’m a female who loves my dog, but also, I’m living in a reality where this really scary thing is about to happen (I don’t want to write out in words specific scary examples).
I have to actively think, what is the backstory right now? No, that didn’t happen. No, that’s not true.
Maybe Blob also does this because if I’m feeling dread when I’m not even actively thinking any direct thoughts, maybe I’ll start believing that’s just my default, and my body and brain will automatically default to dread.
Blob frequently chooses my backstories to be previously-created backstories from past stories it made me watch like that scene in Clockwork Orange.
Previously-created backstories are easy to attach to direct thoughts because all Blob has to do is incite a vague memory of that backstory alongside the direct thoughts.
When Blob starts a new story, I don’t know how to get away from it. If I’m somehow able to completely distract myself, Blob will just continue the story when I’m no longer distracted.
It starts as an interesting storyline that builds off a real event from my life. Blob will encourage me to insert my own thoughts into the storyline, like a co-creator. It’s hard not to, because I already have thoughts and opinions about that event from my life. If I just remember an event, it’s like I also start remembering the thoughts I already had about it. If I don’t, Blob will insert thoughts into the storyline that sound like they’re coming from me. Sometimes I don’t even realize they’re not my own thoughts until a few seconds later. But I still feel responsible for the thoughts.
The interesting storylines transition into terrifying hypothetical scenarios that could actually explain my life and why this is happening to me, since I don’t know what’s actually possible in this reality that’s being hidden from me.
I think Blob also does this to prevent me from feeling grounded or secure. Many of the stories have this looming, inescapable presence that slowly starts hinting, in sickening ways, what kind of terror I’m in for over the next few days or weeks.
I think Blob also does this to make me automatically feel dread when I meet a new person or try something new in my life. Trying something new is like starting a new “story,” except in real life instead of in my mind, and all Blob’s stories result in terror and dread.
Blob will adjust the pacing of the stories so that even while I’m busy working, Blob can continue playing the story in the background. This constant exposure helps establish this story as my “new reality” for the week or however long the story is. It’s slow enough that the surges of dread I get from the story aren’t so intense that I’d have to stop working. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m watching the story when Blob plays it slow like that. I just feel a lighter dread from it while I work. Then when I’m done working, Blob ups the pacing so I get more intense surges of dread.
I thought of a new method to try ending Blob’s stories before they begin. I’d think of the story as a beach ball, and I bounce it to a pod of dolphins to play with. The story balls don’t harm the dolphins. I don’t think of them as people, because this has the potential of triggering social anxiety I wouldn’t be able to escape from. I think of them as forces that appear in my mind in the form of dolphins. They understand what the story is that the ball represents, and they know how to properly handle it. Anytime Blob tries to begin the story again, I keep bouncing it to the dolphins, and they’re happy because they have a new ball to play with.
The next day, Blob added this to it: the dolphins aren’t what I think they are. They’ve been trained to use the thoughts I send them to predict which thoughts they should just immediately remove in the future before the thoughts enter my awareness. Like I’m the middleman that makes the sorting of thoughts less efficient. This could cause me to forget any of this happened to me, and I need to remember so I can try to stop it from stealing more people’s lives.
This is an example of how Blob can prevent me from grounding myself in an idea or method of coping. I don’t want to use scary examples, so I’ll just say those are typically the more convincing ones.
Wherever I am, people do this thing where they cough or sniff as I walk by, or stomp their foot. I don’t know what this is, but it reminds me of animal sounds. Whenever I see an animal out in the wild, I want to say hi. I think of the coughing and sniffing as animal forces that are passing through a human at the exact moment a person coughs or sniffs at me, and it’s their way of saying hello. The foot stomping is like a horse. The animal forces love all people, and they understand that human emotions can become complex, and sometimes humans are mean to other humans. The humans are unaware that the animal forces do this, but the animal forces want me to feel their love more than I feel that person’s meanness. For the car honking, the honking is like a goose or a duck quacking hello 💛
Okay I have more I need to document, but I should at least get this into the world, if it’s not already out there.
February 1, 2026
They hid my treasure in my shame because they thought I wouldn’t look there.
For many years, this worked. Every time I had a thought that caused me shame, I turned away, tried to think things that made me “better.”
One day, I followed advice I learned from content Facebook and Instagram algorithms chose for me.
When I had a thought that caused me shame, I looked back. I sat down with it and listened.
Sometimes nothing happened, and I kept trying. It’s opening up this amazing new way I can see the world.
🌎 💛
Edit: Not sure why, but I feel compelled to say I get this little flutter feeling in my heart when I have a “shame” thought. I found out earlier this week that the flutter isn’t coming from me. I don’t know where it comes from, but knowing it’s not me has changed my life significantly in a good way. Me associating the flutter with shame was the problem, not the flutter.
Posted on social media January 24, 2026
I need your help!
You may have life-changing information about me that I’m not aware of. Here are some examples. I should note that I wasn’t referring to my parents or siblings when I wrote these.
1️⃣ Did you hear something about me that didn’t seem like a rumor but just seemed like helpful knowledge, maybe disclosed with thoughtfulness and care so that people would understand me better? If so, did this knowledge prevent you from revealing certain information to me or asking me questions about a particular topic? If you remember an actual rumor, that could also be helpful.
2️⃣ Did you see me exhibiting unusual behavior? If so, do you remember what anyone said or did right before it happened, or who was there?
3️⃣ Did a seemingly normal situation I was in seem off or give you a bad feeling, even if there wasn’t anything actually strange about it?
4️⃣ Did I say something that didn’t make sense or sound like I was talking in code? Any words or phrases you heard me say way too often?
Anything else that seems potentially relevant is appreciated. Any age, including childhood. If you remember what year it was, that’s helpful. Nothing is too trivial.
Please don’t comment on this post, just message me. I won’t be replying to messages, I just need to collect the data without explaining or socializing.
If anyone does message me, I want to thank you in advance. I really appreciate any and all memories you can send. My awareness of them could give me the freedom to start living my life.
Freedom means access to the same knowledge about the reality I live in that’s available to the public.
Freedom means making whole the parts of me that were exploited and manipulated into believing they’re too ugly now to come back home.
If you’re seeing this post way later and have something to share, please do. There’s no deadline, although earlier is better.
Please share with anyone you think might know something who isn’t on social media.
Thank you 💛
