The Exorcist and a demented meet-cute vibe

June 5, 2026: 🗓 

A couple days ago, I tried angrily screaming throughout the day to see if it would redirect intrusive thoughts. Like an unexpected response would snap me out of it like a reset button or Cher slapping me in the face.

I was screaming things like “get out” and “shut up” over and over when the intrusive thoughts started (or when I noticed them, I should say). It was like The Exorcist but not scary because without the levitating and head rotating 180°, it looks like a tantrum¹.

The day I did the screaming, I started having extra-suspicious thoughts. For example, certain “spiritual” ideas, like “everything you need is within yourself,” are just ways they² keep people like me isolated.

They convince you you’re reaching a more unifying understanding. But really, they’re just trying to make you seem like you’re totally thriving in social isolation and prefer to find meaning within yourself (so that you don’t need to find meaning through a sense of belonging and feeling part of something bigger than yourself by contributing in a community).

If you seem like you’re thriving, people can feel justified excluding you. They might go so far as to say it’s the kind thing to do for people like you, because you seem way happier like that³.

And I don’t want to feel that way about people! I don’t want to believe that’s what’s really going on instead of something wonderful I can’t understand right now. I don’t want to believe anything right now. I don’t want to force reasons on anything. I want to let everything just be itself without projecting any kind of world view on it⁴.

Also, thinking back on that day, I get the impression I’m trying to express my sadness and rage. But again, I’m directing it back into myself instead of outward. I decided I’m going to attribute the sadness and rage to what actually caused it instead of internalizing it again.

I’ll probably start by writing about how the external world has hurt me the past 8 years. It’s like they knew I had this tendency to internalize. So by harassing me only in ways I couldn’t prove, they knew I would stay quiet about it and internalize it because it just sounds delusional and weirdly narcissistic.

And again, I don’t want to believe that about people! And I don’t. These aren’t even my thoughts.

Maybe if I write it all down and put it out into the world, it won’t feel stuck in me. I just now had this idea that maybe the thoughts just wanted me to give them a voice. And by doing that, it’s like I’m freeing the thoughts. And in freeing the thoughts, I’m also freeing myself⁵.

Okay delusional posts coming soon.

Footnotes from I don't know:

1️⃣ I wondered just now if exorcisms fail because the possessed one is supposed to exercise themselves. Like if a priest is doing it, the demon is like I don't have to listen to you, you're not my real dad. The demon being someone's rejected inner child.

2️⃣ I don't know who "they" is. I guess just a placeholder pronoun for now. Like "that."

3️⃣ Another example I just remembered: you have to act like you already have what you want in life in order for it to manifest. If you don't pretend you already have it, then you remain in a frequency of lacking. To get in a frequency of abundance, you can say affirmations like "I'm so grateful this is happening or already happened earlier" instead of "I hope this happens." Now that you seem totally thriving in social isolation, people feel like they're doing the right thing keeping you that way.

4️⃣ Not that this is what happened, but it would be totally okay to regress or act immature or think negative thoughts about people or situations without trying to repress yourself.

Also, anyone judging you for that probably isn't aware of how subtle the thought recordings can be; or they are aware but forgot because it's super easy to forget until later, when they're like, oh I forgot those weren't my thoughts and I don't have to identify with any of that.

Maybe some people's experience of thought recordings is limited to only the side of the spectrum where the difference between their thoughts and intrusive thoughts feels obvious, based on their personal determination of how it feels when they're the one thinking. This could cause them to think they don't have a thought recording, just intrusive thoughts.

5️⃣ Real exorcism. It's like the thoughts think the human is the one that needs to free them.

Edit: 10:09pm Pacific Time.
In Footnote 4, I initially wrote "they love you but don't realize they do.." I believe "they" is referring to a specific person judging me for the screaming stuff. I wrote it because I had a thought that I should write it, even though I didn't want to. So instead of deleting it, I changed it to " probably loves you" to make it more generalized and not about a specific person. Then I added "everyone probably loves everyone underneath the thought recordings." Then I deleted all of it.

Okay I get all these thoughts that demonstrate how a person gets manipulated into associating love with ickiness. Or at least that's how I try to view the thoughts now, which helps me avoid the manipulation (sort of).
Deleting those sentences from this post was one of the rare opportunities I get to remove whatever it is that's always trying (seemingly) to make love feel icky.
But I realized the make-love-feel-icky thoughts are the most common that I have, which is why they're probably the ones I need to write about most, even though I don't want to.

This post is actually a good example. Adding the sentence "they love you but don't realize they do.." adds this uncomfortable and demented meet-cute vibe to what was initially an earnest attempt to tell myself I'm still lovable despite doing something that felt wrong or regressive. Like it was supposed to be reassuring.

I have a lot more to say on this topic, but this is at least a start.

Edit: 6-6-26, 1:12am Pacific Time. I added this video of a white paper bag that rolled down the street like a runaway tire. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find out later❔ 🥠💬🎤🐬