How I feel when I feel beautiful

September 3, 2026: 🗓 

Me trying to explain what it is that I trust in this world:

For so many years, I didn’t know what it was like to — I was going to describe it as safety, having a safety — I was going to say having a feeling of safety, but it’s not a feeling. It’s a trust in something despite — in some other post, I said it was faith because trust is based on historical proof. But I think it’s actually trust, not faith. It’s trust without historical proof or even any concept of what it is I’m trusting. Actually, I do have some kind of concept.

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I have a little green notebook I keep in my car. Earlier this year, I decided to write something not knowing what it was I wanted to write. This is what I wrote. I don’t know why the letters are curly like that. But I was thinking last night how the letter “a” looks like a “g,” and the letter y could be the same. Like a letter v or a letter u that’s extended into the letter y. And it felt encouraging, just the idea of that. It was like the feeling that things are possible that normally don’t feel like they are. And I don’t have to attach the feeling to a specific context or story about the curly letters. Ideas aren’t bound to specific thoughts or interpretations or stories.

An idea that has helped me recently has been the idea that ideas aren’t sourced from a specific person. But American English says things like “I had an idea” instead of “an idea had me” or “I noticed an idea” or “an idea occurred to me” or “I had an interesting encounter with an idea.”

Also, I don’t need a reason for choosing this song. [I added “Party Up” by DMX to this post on social media.]

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September 3, 2026: 🗓 

I noticed something interesting.

I had a half-awake dream just now where I was doing stand-up comedy. I said something to someone in the audience and then called her a bitch (I don’t remember what the context was, but I didn’t say it in a playful way. It was confrontational aka honest.) Then I said “Sorry. I’m an unapologetic b****. I’ll say sorry but I won’t stop.” Then I woke up.

This is what was happening in the background:
✅ Letting myself call the person a bitch without knowing what I would say next
✅Then saying sorry without knowing what I would say next
✅ Then saying I’m an unapologetic bitch without knowing what I would say next
✅ Then realizing that I just said sorry right before saying I’m an unapologetic bitch
✅Then remembering what it is that I trust in this world (I don’t know what it is, but I trust it) and remembering that I believe the real reason I said something contradictory and potentially “embarrassing” was NOT because I said something “out of anger” and was being “put in my place” for being “arrogant.” I don’t know what the real reason is, but I know that’s not it.
✅ And it wasn’t until realizing that that contradicts itself that I – that it occurred to me to say “I’ll say sorry but I won’t stop.”

Edit: Actually, the person I was talking to in the audience may have been a man. I didn’t actually see the person. I assumed female because I used the word bitch. But actually, just yesterday I scream-called a man a fucking bitch after my dog tried to run after him on his bike, causing me to spill her food on the sidewalk. I screamed it so loud at him as he was biking away. I wasn’t actually mad at him, and I didn’t think it was his fault either. He stopped and turned back and said he could help me clean it up. Then I screamed “GET AWAY FROM ME!” It did seem to make him smile though.

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September 3, 2026: 🗓 

This is so moving to me. The way I see Romy in this intro is like how I feel when I feel beautiful. [Link is to Instagram video of The xx performing “The Intro” at One Universe Festival.]

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September 3, 2026: 🗓 

I wonder if it’s actually helpful for anyone to see themselves as multiple personifications like “inner child” and “inner critic” and “shadow self” and “higher self.” I think it’s a really obstructive framework. For me, at least. I just realized how interesting it would be to redo all that without all the obstructive metaphors. Actually no, it just needs to be redone altogether. I may look into this further. See less

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August 9, 2026: 🗓 

✅ Something old
✅ somehow knew
✅ a singer in a Smokey room 🪞
✅ The Blue Cattanooga That Could
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