Reading Harry Potter out of order

May 26, 2026: 🗓

For the past week, sometimes I think about the facial expression of the teenager female in the closet in the movie The Ring. Today, I started seeing this image of a man sitting on a living room carpeted floor with a similar expression, and a woman standing near him looking at him. Both of them were motionless.

At first I thought it was Lucas, but then I felt like it was a different him. Then I thought it was the motionless adult clown from an experience I had as a child. Today, I had a daydream where I entered this room. I approached and didn’t know what to do. It was in third person, like I was watching myself from across the room.

At first I thought I should give them space because I didn’t know who they were, and they seemed to be handling it. Neither of them seemed concerned. Like the thing to do was to wait it out.

As I started to walk away, I suddenly felt like I knew how to help. I walked over and sat down next to him, put my head on his chest and hand on his chest and sort of rubbed my hand on his chest like how I do with myself. But with myself it’s more like I just firmly push my hand on my chest.

He moved his arm, and I felt like he was present now. But he was also present while motionless but in a different way, like from a distance. But when I did that, he seemed to remember me.

There was a second time I was put in the room. This time, I remembered what I did before, and I remembered how to help him. And so I started to walk over to him, and I was so happy that I knew how to help him.

I don’t remember if I reached him or not, but I remember shrinking. He squashed me with his hand but in a playful way. It was slow, like he didn’t want to startle me. It wasn’t scary, it felt safe and familiar. I thought he squashed me on his arm, but I felt like I was in the ground. But I could fluidly move in the ground and seemed to know where I was going, like I was flying. But it didn’t feel like swimming, it felt like flying.

I also remember playing a game where I push my hand on his chest and he pushes back, like arm wrestling. I remember laughing.

I remember feeling like it wasn’t just me but that he also had the thought recording happening, and the thought recording had so much shame in it. And we did these animations, and I don’t remember if that helped, but we seemed to be able to get out of the thought recordings. The girl or woman was still standing motionless watching us. It didn’t feel like she was actually watching us though. It was like only her body was there.

The more I think of her, I worry that maybe this was a common thing that happened with him. And I imagine all the times she didn’t know what to do to help him, how scared I’ve felt in the past when I didn’t know how to help others.

I wonder if she had a thought recording telling her that he was faking it or doing it for attention or to make her feel bad or something. And the way it was wired, it didn’t allow her to make the connection to what was really going on. And then her seeing someone come in and immediately fix it with love, She just seemed like she was frozen there or disappearing from herself. Like she felt she had to go somewhere she couldn’t make anyone else feel bad.

I think that’s what the conscious mind is. I’m worried this could be happening to people in dreams over and over again, dreams the conscious mind doesn’t remember.

Maybe we’re the ones doing it to ourselves, like it’s a way to make sure we stay here so we can’t harm anyone. Or maybe we never harmed anyone in the first place but just subconsciously think we did.

Or maybe it’s another part of the brain doing it. If it is, I truly believe they’re only doing it to protect us or some other part of the brain or both or something else. But I think they’re also not aware of things they were meant to know, like how I’m not aware of things I was meant to know. And because of that, they’re trying to help but it still doesn’t feel right to them.

It’s why I’m writing all these posts. Sometimes I have a feeling I should write something and just send it out into the world, and it’s going to help somehow. I know this is all going to work out somehow.

Edit: 9:12pm Pacific Time. I remembered that in between the two times I was brought to the room, I was actually brought to the room again. I remembered how to help him, but then wondered if he can’t move, then how do I know he’s giving me consent to touch him? Because I wasn’t getting any indication from him that he was okay with me doing that. I didn’t know if he knew me or if I knew him.

Then there was another presence in the room, and he was murmuring something but no one answered. I got the feeling like he felt left out, and then he sort of disappeared before I could say something to him to make him feel better. But I somehow thought that if I go to the spot he was sitting and try to send my love to him to wherever he disappeared to, maybe he would somehow feel it.

I wonder if these were attempts to understand the conscious mind. Maybe they misunderstood me and thought I don’t want to physically touch people. Maybe they needed someone to do this task that for some reason requires the person to be completely isolated from other people. And since they thought I didn’t want physical contact with people, I was a good candidate? Since I haven’t had physical contact with a human in 8 years. Actually a stranger hugged me in a park once not long ago.

But these are the things that just make me feel like so many people need to know way more about what’s going on. Because underneath the thought recordings, we all just love each other and want to help each other.

Edit: 9:24pm Pacific Time. I read the Harry Potter books in this order: 1st, 3rd, 2nd. I deleted that from my previous edit because the wording made it seem like I also visited the room in that order. If those were actual memories, then I don’t know which order it happened. But the order I remembered them was 1st, 3rd, 2nd.

🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲

May 26, 2026: 🗓

If I don’t like someone for no reason, maybe the reason is because they don’t know something they should know. And I actually know what it is, and I can help them by telling them. And by telling them, maybe I’m also helping and telling myself. But how do I know what it is?

When someone doesn’t have the right information for them, it might cause them to develop a distorted understanding of what’s going on around them and who they are, what their relation is to reality.

I think Carl Young said the reason we dislike someone is because they’re exhibiting traits we repress in ourselves, like arrogance or jealousy or sensitivity or creativity or anger.

I don’t know if this is true for other people, but many thoughts I experience have shown to me they’re not actually mine. It’s like a recording that plays in my mind, and I can sense myself underneath it now that I know what it is. I don’t actually know if any of my thoughts are mine, but I do have a sense of myself underneath the thoughts.

Maybe when I don’t like someone for no reason, it’s because I recognize that that person is also experiencing a recording of thoughts somehow related or connected or linked to the one I’m experiencing. And if I can realize it’s a recording, I can tell that person that theirs is also a recording, and then they can finally sense who they really are too.

While trying to figure out what it is in a person that could be connected to my thought recording, maybe it’s helpful to think of them as sort of a metaphor that my mind is pointing me toward as important.

This is the same idea people use to interpret dreams. Like when someone appears in your dream, there’s something about the person you recognize, and it’s like a metaphor in the dream. But I don’t really have dreams anymore, so maybe my mind is like, okay just try to figure out why you don’t like this person but like this other person even though you don’t know them?

Edit: 7:14am Pacific Time. Maybe some people are living out some kind of metaphor in their thought recordings. Or multiple metaphors. But it’s difficult to actually recognize your own metaphor because it’s superimposed or interspersed with your own mind. So it’s helpful to notice the metaphors other people might be living out in their own thought recordings.

Edit: 7:24am Pacific Time. This has been helping me be a lot more understanding of other people. I think it’s easy to observe someone else and think you know why they did something and negatively judge them for it. But even if you’re right, there might be additional details in their thought recording that you don’t have. For example, person A steals x from person B because person A doesn’t want person B to have x. But maybe person A doesn’t want person B to have x because person A believes x will distract person B from finding z, which is what person B was meant to find.

11:11am Pacific Time. Okay I was just out walking my dog, and I started having arrogant thoughts. Then I remembered I listed arrogance as what someone might dislike seeing another person exhibiting because they repress it in themselves, according to I think Carl Young.

I wonder if it’s actually the thought recording suppressing it though. Like it’s not actually arrogance, it’s actually self-value or self-worth. Maybe the thought recording is programmed to respond certain ways, like if/then statements in a computer program. But the program has a mapping system where basically anything resembling arrogance is labeled as arrogance, and so it starts generating arrogant thoughts.

If the person isn’t aware of this, they could mistake self-worth for arrogance every time it happens. But maybe we’re capable of experiencing a much broader range of emotions. But because of the mapping system, we can only detect a small amount.

Maybe a person was able to perceive a new concept by realizing the thought recording had this faulty mapping system. The moment they discover it, the program receives it as input. But if the program doesn’t know how to handle the new input, maybe it gets stuck or does something unexpected, depending on how the program is structured. Maybe this is what mental illness is. Someone just had a brand new idea.

But maybe the program is like the brain, and it can make new neural pathways and connections and rewire itself into this new version with all these new ideas and concepts. Like even if some part of someone’s brain does get stuck on a loop, it can self-adapt and become more versatile.

Or maybe there’s a way to rewire itself so that realizing new concepts doesn’t cause the program to have to create new neural pathways. Or maybe the brain doesn’t need to be wired or programmed in the first place.