The Inexpressibles

May 28, 2026: 🗓 

I think I just realized something important, and I’m trying to put it in words. While walking my dog, I had another story play in my mind where people think I’m not telling them something that could help them, even though I also think that about other people.

I’ve thought that for a long time. I’ve thought it directly for the past 8 years, after people started harassing me almost directly. Before that, it was just indirectly.

Although I wonder if it wasn’t ever harassment but some other type of communication I still don’t understand yet but misinterpreted as harassment. But it’s similar to this idea of gang stalking I’ve read about recently (I don’t think it’s actually gang stalking).

But even before then, I think it’s been a major theme my entire life. Like starting as a child, subconsciously internalizing the microaggressions so I wouldn’t consciously think about them could be a contributing factor in how my brain got rewired to be like this.

It’s like my brain didn’t want me to really consciously realize it because it knew there was nothing I could do to change it. And maybe it thought I had a chance to live a life if I just didn’t notice it since it was subtle for many years. But then it realized that isolating me from itself like that wasn’t right, and it’s trying to help repair what’s happened all these years. And so am I.

And right now, I think I’m realizing the microaggressions had a reciprocal effect on me. Like maybe it embedded this unconscious belief that other people know things I need to know, and they aren’t telling me for some reason.

But even if they do know things that could help me, I don’t believe anyone can hold away from me the answers I hold within myself that I’m meant to find. I think I just needed to consciously realize that, and consciously realize I can trust all of myself again.

Edit: 8:20pm Pacific Time. I just looked up the definition of reciprocal effect, and it can be viewed as a continuous feedback loop between yourself and your outside environment. So the microaggressions caused me to believe people thought I wasn’t telling them something (or at least I think? That’s what I consciously settled on, was a misunderstanding of some kind.) Then that belief maybe caused other people to believe that about me, which reinforced the belief.

She wants to know something. What was the real reason for the microaggressions?

🌲🌲🌲🌲

May 31, 2026: 🗓 

I’ve been thinking about feedback loops. I’m probably currently involved with at least three that I’m not even aware of…

Possible feedie-backie loops:
1️⃣ Between “me” and the outside world
2️⃣ Between “me” and my inside world
3️⃣ Between inside world and outside world

The “me” in feedbacky loop 1️⃣ might be the inexpressible¹ sadness and rage I’ve internalized since childhood.

Edit: 6-10-26. I meant 2️⃣, not 1️⃣. But I do receive so much passive aggressiveness from people that it sort of seems like this could be applicable. Although it’s possible the passive aggressiveness could be something different I misinterpreted.
The “me” in feedback looplet 2️⃣ might actually be my inside world interacting through my body and mind like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. I’m not consciously aware what the interactions are, but I’m aware of the existence of interactions.

Edit: 6-10-26. I meant 1️⃣, not 2️⃣. Maybe my inside world has been redirecting the sadness and rage back to the outside world for years without my knowledge. And then the outside world thought it was me and reacted by being passive aggressive to me? Maybe the inside world thought I was purposely directing sadness and rage to actual people in the inside world? Like they thought I was somehow aware of them? I don’t know.

Also, is the inside world even sure that the conscious mind is who they think it is?

1. Inexpressible on the outside. That's why we have inner worlds, so we have a place where we can feel safe enough to express all of ourselves and explore all of our thoughts and emotions. That's probably why I'm the way I am, because I don't have any place where I can feel safe to do or feel anything. I have to do and feel things while also feeling unsafe in the background, which is way different even if it "looks" the same.